I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
