I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
