I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
