i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
