I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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