While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
