like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
