From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize