When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
