I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
