Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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