I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
People in love make me want to vomit
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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