First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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