I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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