I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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