Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
even my farts smell like vagina
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
