I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
