i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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