I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I've blown a few things in my day
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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