It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
