He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
