She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
