My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
