all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
