I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
