Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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