Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
