Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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