So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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