i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
