I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
