I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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