So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
