Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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