I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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