Who did Billy Mays play for?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
is wine microwaveable?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
