i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
