im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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