Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
