hotel room ftw
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
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