Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
