I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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