If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
