The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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