Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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