I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
