Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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