Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
