I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
