I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
