listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
