dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
