just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
