remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
