Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
