I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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