Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
