I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
