oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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